After the talk I gave Sunday, someone came to me and said (I may be paraphrasing a bit), “I’m so glad you share when you are feeling blue because I have a tendency to want to put you on a pedestal.” My response, “Oh please DON’T do that!!! That would not be good for either of us!”
I share what I share because I want you to know we are all in this human journey together. So let's talk about fear. Fear is a powerful, tricky thing that has the ability to hold us stuck and keep us small. For some it shows up as a bug crossing the path or being enclosed in a tight space. For others it’s being willing to express love or finally allowing your voice to be heard. We all experience fear to varying degrees at various times. The question becomes not whether we experience it, but rather how we handle it when we do.

I remember several years ago when I was regularly seeing my minister for spiritual counseling, she had mentioned that everyone has a bit of fear. As a matter of fact, fear is a natural instinct for all of us that is meant to keep us safe. It is possible, however, for our fears to grow to such large proportions that they can actually paralyze us. Much like a snowball gaining speed and size as it rolls downhill, over the years my fear had grown much the same way, taking on a life of its own. In the last couple years in my own ministerial work with others, I’ve come to realize that I’m not alone in that. Because of things we’ve experienced in life and how we’ve dealt with them (or not dealt with them), many of us have this out of control fear that grips our minds and closes our hearts.
My biggest fears show up when I step outside of my comfort zone to stretch and try something new. Even though I've encountered this over and over, the fear doesn't seem to get any smaller, but my ability to not let it stop me is growing stronger.

The latest "test": A friend referred me about a month ago to the opportunity to be an opening speaker for Caroline Myss, I literally started to shake and got that warm tingling sensation running down the back of my neck, guaranteed confirmation that this was my next step. I knew it didn’t really matter how it turned out. Did I want to be the “chosen one”, absolutely! But I knew, by my initial reaction, that the success was going to be in actually engaging in the process. Would it open new doors? Maybe. Would it put me in front of a whole new group of people? Maybe. Would it stretch me? Definitely!
It took me a couple weeks to even wrap my head around the fact that the knowledge of this opportunity had dropped into my awareness so unexpectedly. Of course, at some level I was not surprised because I know this is how Divine synchronicity works. About a week before I received details of the submission requirements, a friend sent me, out of the blue, a video camera. He said he had had a dream that I had asked for one, and that perhaps I could use it to video talks and get myself more of a presence online. I had yet to express my utter distaste for videos to him! I have this thing about cameras in general, video or otherwise. It seems anytime I try to capture a moment or event, mostly with my kids, something goes wrong. The battery dies or I’ve pushed the wrong button, or, or, or! Just holding a camera now in my hand wrestles up all kinds of insecurities. I thanked my friend for the camera and stuck the unopened box in my closet, certain I would never use it. And then….
The submission requirements …….a short written statement or video stating why I would be the best choice for the event. I knew I would have to do the video. I love to write, so that wouldn’t be as big of a stretch, but a video? Oh my, that scares me to no end. I’ve had people request recordings of my Sunday talks, and honestly I’ve avoided giving out the links. I don’t know why, but something about having myself, and my words, captured on a recording is so much more terrifying than just being in front of people live and in person. Ok, so video it is. Then it took me a week to gather up enough courage to actually get in front of a camera.
My videographers were so kind and patient with me! My son took the first 20 takes, and then 4 days later, my daughter took the other 20! And we narrowed it down to 2, then the one I would use. I went to the submission page, typed my ditty, clicked to upload the video …………..and froze. Who knew making your one finger move to push a simple “send” button could be so incredibly difficult! The contents of my stomach were quickly rising to the back of my throat, my appendages were starting to shake, and I felt like I was going to black out.
Suddenly, I was behind the curtain at the Elsinore Theatre last year, awaiting my cue to go on stage. I had no idea if anyone was in the audience, or if I was going to be a complete failure. (Sidenote: I don’t really believe in the word “failure”, more like everything is just experience. However, when being filtered through that ball of fear, failure is the word that keeps coming to mind!) I heard the sweet sound of a voice invite me out, and suddenly I didn’t know if my feet were permanently glued to the spot I stood, or if I was going to bolt out the back door. Honestly, at that moment it could’ve gone either way. Somehow, I reached deep past that big ball of fear and allowed something even bigger to propel me forward in the direction of my dream. And then I had to take hold of that mic and actually open my mouth…and the rest as they say… history.
I’m suddenly back in my living room, noticing my daughter sitting beside me saying, “Push the button, Mom, just push the button!” And once more, I allow that something bigger to rise through the fear, activating the muscle of my pointer digit to push……SEND. We watch as the percentage of the uploading video rises until finally…100%. My face suddenly pops up and it is done.
Now the sensations screaming in my body are on overload. I rush to the bathroom, and suddenly I realize I am standing in the same spot, looking in the same mirror, feeling the same things as Thanksgiving evening when I’ve just realized my eye has started working again. It was a miracle…and so is the courage I just exhibited! I fall to my knees (I seem to be doing that a lot lately) crying (yes, doing that too), whispering to that still place within “Thank you. Thank you.”

In love and light,

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