Deep conversation…it’s one of my favorite things.  I know it has been deep and meaningful when I’m left with food for thought that lasts long after the conversation is over.  

 “You must have been born falling in love,” said the radio host who was interviewing me this weekend.  I’ve been mulling that over for two days now, and I think she’s right. My first love came when I was in 7th grade.  As a parent, I now look at my 7th grader and think, really?  But I was sure I was in love.  The first time he held my hand in the back of a church van returning home from rollerskating was pure magic!  It was around that time that I also remember writing a novel, a love story of course.  With many pages but not the entire story complete, one day I just tossed it in the trash.  I don’t know why, but it may have corresponded with that initial love moving on to high school and breaking up with his junior high girlfriend!  That was the first time I knew my heart had been broken, and likely the point at which the door started to close.  I have a tender heart and am very sensitive.  So needless to say, those moments of feeling crushed and closing the door a little more came frequently.

I’ve decided to stop putting so much pressure on others to tend to my heart and finally am learning to tend to my own.  I am aware this will require balance because tending to our own can often end up being just another excuse to build more walls.  Ultimately as one born to fall in love, I am now learning to fall in love with myself, to fall in love with life. 

Of course, if you’ve been in a relationship with me, you may not believe this to be true.  I’ve worked really hard to wall off my heart and be sure the entrance is securely locked.  But with all that, my natural state is still love.  Perhaps we are all like that.  We come in with our hearts open but as we age, we allow experiences to wither our capacity to give and receive love again.  I’m working as we speak to reverse that process, to remove the walls and unlock the door.  Though I’ve made great progress, I’ve just realized that a recent experience has again left me wanting to slam it closed.  So how do I resist the urge and continue to remain open?  With courage. 

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