Well, here I am 2 months after treatment. It's taking much loinger to recover then I thought it would. The hardest part may well be monitoring my own thoughts to keep them from going dark.

This week has been one of the hardest. After several days of being very sick, we realized I was having a severe reaction to a new med. That was definitely a setback. Then I received news that my Uncle Lee had passed from complications of a brain aneurysm. I was too ill to make the trip to SD for his service. All week my thoughts have been filled with my Uncle and Aunt Sharon, who shared 45 years of marriage. I thought of my dad and his other siblings. I thought of my kids and their interactions as siblings. I thought of my own brother. And then of course, I thought of my own death. Would this family gathering be the last one in which I would be able to see everyone and they would be able to see me alive, and I missed it? This is the place of darkness that is so easy to tumble into.

A medical update: I received news from an eye speciaiist that he thinks my eye has been permanently damaged. After days of feeling blue, I decided to not accept that. If there is something to this mind/body connection thing, then perhaps I can will my eye to work again. How would I do that? Well, first I realized that wearing a patch over my eye tells it that I don't expect it to work. That has to change so I no longer wear a patch. I've rigged my eyeglasses with a cloth over one lense so I can focus while driving, etc. but the rest of the time I'm trying to focus without that. I figure if it doesn't work, well then I'm right back to where I was anyway. I have nothing to lose by trying.

My scans have been scheduled for early December. The doctor wants everything to be as normal as possible for the reading because this will establish the new baseline moving forward. I've heard this period I'm in now referred to as "watchful waiting". It's a challenging place to be. I think the "watchful" part is being mindful of the direction my thoughts are turning in any given moment. Perhaps that is how it is with all of life though. What and how we think always has a big effect on how we experience what is happening.

The doctor told me to not think about the upcoming scans and just get on with life. So what does that look like exactly? Everything appears to be the same, and yet, nothing feels the same. I've decided to continue with business as usual until the Universe directs me differently. This week I return to ministering and speaking at a Sunday service at Unity by the Sea. My good friend and piano man extraordinaire, Randy Byrnes, will be joining me to handle the music, as I'm not sure I'm ready to do it all. I'm excited and nervous to get back in the saddle again. I don't yet feel like myself so I question whether I still have it in me, to inspire from the pulpit. I guess time will tell!

A friend recently re-sent the following poem by Rumi. It's a good reminder 
to honor all of our emotions and let them flow thru, to stay in the present moment as much as possible and to remain grateful.
 

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond. 

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